Look Before You Leap (or sit)

I remember this movie from when I was a kid. The one where the guy tells his buddy that the way you know a girl is a keeper is if after you let her in the car, she unlocks your door for you.

Needing all the help I can get, I've lived by this rule for the past 15 years. Until last week, when I got distracted.

Date #2: We hug hello and begin chatting easily. He leads me to the passenger side of the car, unlocking it and letting me in. Impressed with his chivalry, I look up at him and smile as I slide into the seat. Crunch.

Immediately my grin drops as my heart begins to beat wildly. What the? I turn, reach under my ass, and grab hold of a mangled pair of sunglasses. As I begin to wrap my mind around what I have done, I look up and see my date fumbling with his key. Before I can react, he is in and he is looking at the destruction in my hand.

Shit.

Always Be Prepared

Let me tell you about my Safeway. It's small, crowded, and regularly out of the necessary ingredients. It caters to singles, but more so the widowed kind than the 20/30 something kind. But it's across the street. So I go. Often.

After a quick shower, I realize I need some things from the Safeway. Hair barely brushed and dripping, I dash out of the house, sans even a stitch of makeup.

I grab a basket on the way in and begin examining the fruits and vegetables when I see a cutie by the oranges. He walks by, not a glance in my direction. Hmm. He must be in a hurry (Suuure Dauntless).

I see him again in the pasta aisle and he's heading straight for me. Alright boy, you better believe I'm gonna say hello to you. Mmm Mmm. Big smile Dauntless, big smile. "Hi."

"Hey".

Now we're heading in opposite directions, me smiling to myself, very proud of saying hello and hoping to see him again in the bread aisle. Still patting myself on the back, I arrive in the frozen food section.

Searching for some cherry popsicles, my focus shifts and I catch a glimpse of my reflection. There I am, in all my frizzy, pale glory, staring back at me. I am a mess. I proceeded to spend the next five minutes acting like I can't choose which damn popsicles I want while I use the glass door to desperately twist up my hair and pinch my cheeks.

Alas, it was all for naught. My chance had come and gone.

Always be prepared.

Get Noticed. Even if it's not Pretty.

Recently, one warm spring evening, “Riley” and I joined the throngs of neighbors already walking their Fidos and Muffins around the community for some much needed exercise. I diligently clicked and treated Riley, hoping to break her of her pulling and jumping habits as her trainer had instructed.

Inhaling the sweet smell of lilacs, I floated along, content as could be. That is, until I saw him. The good-looking neighbor from down the road. His arms were weighted down with groceries and he was 30 feet away and closing in.

My heart began to pound as I mentally reviewed what I would say,

“Hi” No, my nerves will make it sound too high-pitched.

20 feet.

“What’s up?” No. Too casual.

10 feet.

Shit! What should I say? “Hey”. I’ll say hey.

5 feet.

Just as I opened my mouth to form the greeting I had decided on, the slack in the leash became taut and I realized in horror that Riley had decided on a greeting of her own. Ignoring the treat in my left hand, she leapt up on the handsome stranger, front paws landing squarely on his stomach.

“Ooof”.

I immediately admonished Riley, but was too flustered to mutter an apology for her (probably because I hadn’t recited it).

After we were a safe distance away, I glanced at the handsome stranger’s retreating form, turned to Riley, and whispered, “Good girl.”

Something Else Borrowed

So you made it through your first date. Cool. You've asked her out again and she said 'yes'. Awesome! Now, no stalking allowed for at least the next thirty-two hours.

Sunday 2:00pm:

Eleanor: Well Vince, I had a nice time, thanks.
Vince: Me too. Would you like to do it again sometime?
Eleanor: Yeah. I'd like that.
Vince: Great. I'll call you later.
Eleanor: Bye.

Sunday 9:00pm:

Eleanor begins to get organized for her week and starts by opening her email:

YOU HAVE MAIL. Seeing it's from Vince, she opens it curiously,

Eleanor, I wanted to say again what a wonderful time I had today. I'll call you later, Vince

That was sweet, she thinks as she motions her mouse to click 'close'.

Monday 8:15pm:

Eleanor, exhausted from a long day at work, walks through the door and tosses her bag on the couch. While on her way to let the dog out back, she hits 'play' on her feverishly blinking machine.

The robotic voice responds, "First message. Sent. Today. At. 3:00 pm:"

Hi Eleanor, it's Vince. I hope you got my email last night, I didn't hear back from you. Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you and I'm looking forward to our next date.

"Next message. Sent. Today. At. 5:30 pm:"

Eleanor, it's Vince. I haven't heard back from you, so I just wanted to make sure we're still on for our next date. Later.

"Next message. Sent. Today. At. 8:00 pm:"

Eleanor, look, if you didn't want to go out with me, you could have just said so. I don't think I want to date anyone so inconsiderate anyway.

Monday 8:30pm:

Energy renewed by Vince's audacity, Eleanor quickly opens her computer and begins pecking furiously,

Vince, I didn't let you know sooner because I didn't realize it until now. We won't be going out again. Eleanor.

~Thanks Ei

Ask, Don't Tell

I wrote a post a few months back titled, Don't Ask, Don't Tell. In that case, a guy asked me to a fancy dinner, then told me to pay. More recently I have learned that some guys need to learn to ask, not tell.

I met Bob at a bar not far from my home. After talking for a while, we discovered that we lived in the same complex. The area's great. Lots of grass and trees, with a path along a river perfect for biking and running. Shortly after discovering we were neighbors, Bob became a perfect candidate not for my heart, but my blog.

Bob: You live there? I just moved into that neighborhood. I live on the corner near the water.

Me: Oh yeah? The neighborhood's great. You'll love it.

Bob: Yeah. I like that bike path down there. Do you have a bike?

Me: Yep.

Bob: Tell you what. You bring your bike down my way and we'll go for a ride together.

Me: Hmm. That sounded a bit arrogant. What happened to asking? Maybe I'll tell him about the last time I rode a bike. That'll be a turn off. I'm not much of a bike rider these days. the last time I rode my bike, I actually had to get off of it and walk it up a hill! (yes, sad, but true)

Bob: Wow, that's pretty bad.

Me: Good. It worked.

Bob: Well then, bring your running shoes down and we'll go for a run instead.

Me: Shit. Another statement. How do I say no to a statement? I've got to go to the bathroom. See you later.

Ok, so my exit was neither kind nor graceful. But, If you're telling me what to do and we don't even know each other, that red flag negates all rules of engagement.

The Gambler

Rolling the dice in Vegas, fun. Rolling the dice on Match, not so fun. When communicating and subsequently going out with a woman whose picture you have never seen, you need to know your odds. Consider me your bookie.

If a guy doesn't have his picture posted, women know it's because he's 1. married, or 2. ugly. If a woman doesn't have her picture posted, it's because she's 1. ugly 2. married.

After a friend got burned on his fourth photo-less dated, one of my girls laid it out for him better than I ever could: "C'mon. It's not like her picture's not on there because she's too hot!"

Gamble all you want men, but don't be surprised when you leave the table empty-handed. Your odds of being happy with your date are about 10,000 to 1. After all, the House always wins.

~Thanks KJ

Try Not to Remind Me of a Horror Film

I went out with 'Carlos', a fellow dog owner, not too long ago. Now, I can't claim to be the best dog owner in the world, but I can assure you I'm better than Carlos.

Here's how I found out:

"Yeah, my life changed a lot after my accident. It sucked trying to get around with broken ribs."

"That had to be awful," I replied.

"Yeah. Especially because I lived on the second floor. My poor dog had to put up with the worst of it though."

"Your dog? Why's that?"

"Well, I couldn't really go up and down the stairs to let him out. So, I tied a rope to a bucket..."

Wait a minute. This sounds familiar.

Carlos continued, "I stuck my little pup in the bucket and lowered him down. Then he would hop out and do his business. Besides a couple of close calls, it worked out alright."

Ok, so he wasn't exactly luring the dog into a well to hold him ransom, but it still kind of creeped me out. Why not just get a dog walker Carlos?

Something Borrowed, Something Bribed

I have a confession to make. The Dauntless Dater has been neither dauntless nor dating as of late.

In order to get both my blog and myself through this rough patch, I've enlisted the help of a close friend. Or rather, the help of her bad date...

15 minutes in:

Boy: I just got back from Africa and I drank the best tea there. Have you ever had African tea?

Girl: No, I haven't.

Boy: Well, you will just have to go out with me again and I'll bring you some. It's delicious!

50 minutes in:

Girl: Yeah, I started reading The Corner, but I accidentally dropped it in the bathtub and now it's too big and bloated to read.

Boy: That sucks! Lucky for you, I have a copy of The Corner. Now you'll have to go out with me again to get the tea and the book!

1 hr 25 minutes in:

Girl: Oh, I love red wine.

Boy: Me too! Geez, you really have to go out with me again and I'll bring you the tea, The Corner, and the wine!

1 minute after the date:

Girl: Tell you what, I'll do you one better. If you don't go out with me again, I'll let you keep all your shit!

Leave the bribery at the office guys.

Gee Steve, you sure know how to make a girl feel special

Steve wrote to me on March 5th. His email went something like this,

"I liked your profile. I'm a nice guy. I'm the kind of guy who opens car doors. I'd even text you to say, 'I'm just texting you to let you know I'm thinking of you.' That's just the type of guy I am. I'd really like to hear from you just to get to know you."

Steve emailed me again today, March 8th. His email went something like this,

"I liked your profile. I'm a nice guy. I'm the kind of guy who opens car doors. I'd even text you to say, 'I'm just texting you to let you know I'm thinking of you.' That's just the type of guy I am. I'd really like to hear from you just to get to know you."

All right buddy. Heard you the first time. No need to say it twice.

So what?

So what if you haven't been out on a date in two months?

So what if you just signed up for a new dating service because you couldn't stand the last one, but now you aren't getting as many emails and winks as you expected, so you keep checking to make sure your internet connection is working?

So what if admitting to someone that you're online dating feels like you're admitting you're a leper trying to find other lepers who will agree to have leprosy with you?

So what if you always tried hard to pretend your ex was pining for you from afar, but you just found out he's (I mean she's, of course) dating someone new, and they're probably snuggled up on the couch while you stare at your computer screen hoping to find someone other than your dog to love?

None of this makes you a freak. It makes you human. And be glad that you aren't settling for anyone. Especially that ex. Because frankly, he..damn it, she...wasn't all that anyway.

If you're not constantly looking, you're not doing it right

I've heard this advice often, and I must say I follow it regularly. I look for unexpected opportunities everywhere.

One such opportunity arose for me as I sat completing paperwork at my dining room table.

"To the left, to the left, everything you own in a box to the left!" I belted out to new favorite song on my V-Day cd.

Shift Shift. I barely heard the dishes in the sink settling as I continued my duet with Beyonce.

Rustle Rustle Shift.

Hmm. That's weird. Dishes don't sound like that.

Rustle Rustle Shift CRASH. I got up to investigate what in the world was going on in the kitchen. The walls were thin and the neighbors were probably cooking in their own kitchen.

Rustle Rustle.

Sounds like it's under the sink. In the cabinet.

Cluelessly, I opened the cabinet door and immediately spotted a fluffy brown tail jumping around my bottle of Windex.

"AHHH!" I slammed the cabinet shut with a bang and ran back out to the living room just as my hunting dog came to investigate why I was making such a fuss.

I quickly grabbed her leash and my phone and ran outside. A killer squirrel was under my kitchen sink. I was not going to hang around and wait for it to push open a heavy wooden door to attack me!

As I called my father from the front yard, he assured me the squirrel was trapped and told me to go back in.

"Back in? Are you crazy?"

"It can't get you. Just go back in. You need to get the number for animal control. They'll send somebody out to trap it."

"Really?"

"Yes. Now go get the phone book. Call the non-emergency police number."

"Why the police?"

"Because they'll send an animal control officer out."

"You mean the animal control officer is a real police officer?"

"Yes. Now go back in."

"Alright. Thanks dad. I'll call you later."

Hmm. A real police officer? As in uniform, buzz cut, and gun? Sweet.

All cowardice forgotten at the prospect of having a hottie in my house, I bolted upstairs to my place and barged in. Dad was right. The squirrel was not getting out. I called animal control and was told someone would be over within the hour.

The next 30 minutes were a frenzy of clothes flying, brushes brushing, and makeup doing its thing. Next was the house. I couldn't let a police officer show up with the house a mess! Brooms, sponges, Swiffers. Soon both the house and myself were presentable.

In all of my frantic preparation, It took me a while to realize that I hadn't heard anything from under the kitchen sink in 20 minutes. Uh oh. I hope he doesn't show up and charge me with filing a false police report instead of asking me on a date!

BZZZZ.

He's here. Oh my God!

I buzzed the animal control officer up to my place, heart pumping at the prospect...

Ten minutes later I had good news for you and good news for me.

The good news for me was that my squirrel had gone back out the hole he came in. And I was able to patch it up.

The good news for you? While the animal control officer wasn't really my type, she was cute.

I figure some guy in the general area could benefit from that information. Now all you have to do is catch my squirrel.

And for those of you who don't live near me, I can only offer this advice: be looking. Always be looking. Even if it means you make an ass of yourself. No one will know but the readers of your blog.

Top Ten Reasons to Love Valentine's Day Even if You're Single

10. Your dog is so damn happy to see you, she does her five foot vertical leap. And, she's got a good two inches on the last guy who emailed you.

9. Your mom felt so sorry for you, she sent you a card and a 20 spot.

8. One of your students wrote you a poem,
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
If teachers were irons,
I'd buy you.

7. You're not so bitter that you can't make a great V-Day cd with love songs on it (as long as the second half of the cd is break up songs).

6. You get the night off from the gym because you don't want anyone there thinking you're not on some mid-week getaway.

5. Celeste makes the best pizzas for one.

4. You can read the Time article about the fact that single people are actually happier than those who are married (At least I think that's what he was trying to say. There were a lot of statistics).

3. Ladies: You've got your period and it's not interfering with a damn thing.
Gentlemen: The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue will be here any day now.

2. Since only those in serious relationships are out tonight, you get a night off from bad dates!

And the number one reason to love Valentine's Day if you're single...

1. The Mother F'ing day is almost over.

It probably won't work out if...

She asks about your dog and you tell her about your ex-wife.

During the course of your first date you mention hunting someone down and killing them.

She tells her mother your name is Carl, but it's really Carlos.

You separated from your wife a month prior to your first date.

During the initial courting, you bring up the topic of nicknames for a cat's penis.

And,

It probably won't work out if when she tells you she's going to bed, the following conversation ensues:

"Lucky," you tell her.

"Yeah. I'm pretty tired." she replies.

To which you add, "No, I mean you're lucky because you get to go to bed with you."

Instead of getting a second date, you'll probably just make her stomach lurch.

Beware the Overly Confident Syndrome

Confidence is a good thing. Those who possess it are usually quite successful (i.e. Hillary Clinton, Peyton Manning, Meryl Streep).

However, being overly confident can lead to making assumptions that you're above the fray, ultimately leading to your downfall (i.e. Donald Rumsfeld, Tony Romo, Tom Cruise).

Daters sometimes become overly confident, especially online daters. And it's easy to do.

Every day, there's your inbox, overflowing with girls. Short girls, tall girls, thin girls, wide girls, blond girls, redheaded girls, exotic girls, girls-next-door girls. And they all have one thing in common. They're interested in you. You begin to feel unstoppable. You remember gaping wide-eyed at the television as a kid, wishing you could grow up to be Superman. And you have. But lucky you, Lois Lane has multiplied by 100.

I went out with a man who was feeling a bit like Superman. However, he hid it well on the date and we had a nice evening.

After the date, Superman emailed me to tell me that he had a nice time. That's when he made the mistake of believing his own hype...

"I must apologize for my manners in not walking you home. I don't know what the heck I was thinking! Anyway, I didn't want to end the evening with any decisions that would have dampened our spirits."

What? Did he really assume I'd sleep with him just for walking me home?

It's ok to be confident. Hell, it's ok to be overly confident and think you can bed every woman who crosses your path. However, you must hide the overly confident thoughts. Truth is, in the dating game, you are not above the fray. Every one of your Lois Lanes has at least 200 Supermen in her inbox.

Whatthefuckdidhejustsay?

"I broke it off with her a month before the wedding."

Eyebrows raised I replied, "Really?"

"Yeah. It was an awful thing to do. I should have broken it off earlier, but it's better than if we had gotten married and then realized it was a mistake."

"Huh. So how did you finally decide to break it off?" (Hey, he went there. I was just following.)

"Well, I knew for a while that it wasn't going well. She was an anxious girl, not really my type. But, I had met her when I first moved here and we just kind of fell into a pattern. Anyway, it was actually her mom who nudged me into finally ending it."

"Really? That's weird. How did that happen?"

"Well, a few months earlier, I had become really close to her mom. See, her mom had been in a really horrible accident and was in the hospital for a month. I would visit her and help take care of her." Awww!

He continued, "We'd talk a lot while I was brushing her hair, clipping her nails, and bathing her..." Whatthefuckdidhejustsay?

I tried to listen to the rest of his story, but the vision of my hot date sponging off a middle-aged woman - whose daughter he saw naked on a regular basis - was so overwhelming, it effected my hearing ability. And although I missed the end of his tale, I assume it went something like this "Turns out, her mom was the one who was into me!"

Hey guys, don't bring up the time you sponge-bathed your girlfriend's mom. Duh.

New Year, Old Lines

If your pick up lines are anything like the ones I heard on New Years, getting new game should be your number one resolution...

Fat Bastard: "Hey baby. I can tell you're an older woman. That's hot. What are you, 36?" 29 you fat bastard.

Ample Alcohol, Limited English: "I'm rich. I'm very very rich. You can have whatever you want. This bartender loves me." Ample Alcohol, Limited English was physically thrown out of the bar about 10 minutes later.

Drunk Girl: "Scores is much better than that other place. The women are totally hotter. Hey, I know! Let's go to a strip club!" I may have had a rough year with men honey, but I ain't going down that road.

She Didn't Lose her Phone

I'm a stable girl. Really, I am. I don't mope and whine about men and my lack thereof. I don't panic at the thought of going to a wedding without a date. And you'll never hear me shrieking, "Why Me?"

That said, today I had an irrational moment I mistook for a rational one.

About a week ago, I went out on a great date. He was flirting, I was flirting. Before the first date ended, he was asking me out on a second. He called and text messaged after date one. He seemed pretty interested. I, on the other hand, (rational girl that I am) did not get all, "He's the one" and whatnot.

Well, I'm sorry to say, Mr. Great Date stopped calling. Before he even had a chance to become Mr. Great Second Date.

Oh well. These things happen, right? That's what I told myself until a sudden thought occurred to me, I bet he lost his phone!

After about 20 seconds envisioning him calling out my name while searching the rain-soaked sewer for his phone, I realized how irrational I was being.

It's not the easiest thing to wrap your mind around. But guys, if she doesn't call, it ain't cause she done lost her phone!

Tivo Trouble

You invited her over to watch a movie. She has graciously accepted. In preparation, you've cleaned the house, chilled the wine, and popped the popcorn.

She arrives, comments on your nice apartment, and shakes off the cold as she settles next to you on the nice warm couch.

As you snuggle in with a glass of red wine and the bag of popcorn, you hit your Tivo button to retrieve the movie you recorded with her in mind. As you flip through the selections, carrying on about the accolades the movie received, she watches the television. Unexpectedly, she raises her eyebrows. You tear your gaze away from her long enough to see what caused the reaction.

And there it is. Highlighted in all it's glory.

"Hotel Erotica"

Awww, shit.

So gentlemen (and ladies), while you're scrubbing and dusting, preparing for her arrival, please remember that your best friend Tivo also needs a spit shine every now and again.

Note: I will neither confirm nor deny being the offender in this scenario.

The Crazy Quoter

If you were a fly on the wall listening to a conversation between Crazy Quoter and myself, you would have heard me say, "Huh?" at least once every five minutes.

That's because CQ would recite some obscure quote about that often. He was doing more explaining what he was talking about than actually forming original thoughts!

Here's what a night with Crazy Quoter was like...

As he left for the bathroom...
"If I'm not back in 5 minutes, wait longer." (Ace Ventura)

What the hell is this guy talking about?

When he went up to get a beer...
"I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse." (The Godfather)

Are you kidding me?

As I went to the bathroom...
"Leave the gun. Take the cannoli." (Godfather again)

Am I on a date or am I watching some Twilight Zone episode?

After someone at another table dropped a beer bottle...
"Don't worry. The pledges will clean it up." (Old School)

(Looking around) Is anyone else witnessing this??

At the end of the night, I got into it...and I'll admit, it was kind of fun.

Instead of using my go-to "I had a nice time, but I don't think we have a lot in common," I went with, "Hasta la vista baby."

Things that Cling

Static clings to clothes,
Boogers cling to the end of your nose.

Pollution clings to create smog,
Fleas cling to the side of my dog.

Dirt clings in the form of mud,
Leeches cling to suck your blood.

Things that cling sure do blow
Especially when that thing's Joe Schmo.

So don't you ask me to spend,
Three dates with you in one weekend.

I ain't your girl, your mom, your shrink.
I've only known you for a drink!