Tuesday, June 13, 2006

First Contact: The Form Letter Asker Outer

Yes, it gets worse than the Mass Mailer. It even gets worse than the Clever Mass Mailer. He’s called the Form Letter Asker Outer. Lucky for the fate of procreation, he is a rather rare specimen.

FLAO’s email shows only one sign of being a form letter. It’s generic. Other than this red flag, FLAO works hard to disguise his letter as a genuine correspondence to one woman. A. He keeps it short. And, B. He extends an invitation to coffee, even going so far as to include the time of day he is available.

He can certainly fool the recipient. As she reads, she’s probably thinking…Can’t be a form letter. He asked me out. So why is it so short? Maybe it’s because he is dull. Maybe he can’t type well. Maybe his mother called as he was typing, so the loving son finished his email and answered the phone.

Ladies, quit making excuses. He's a Mass Mailer.

How, you ask, with his cloak and dagger disguises, can I be so certain the FLAO even exists? Well, everyone who thinks he’s smarter than the rest of us eventually fucks up. I know FLAO is out there because the moron asked me out twice with the exact same form letter.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

First Contact - The Clever Mass Mailer

The regular Mass Mailer thinks he’s smart. But, the Clever Mass Mailer truly believes he has us fooled, ladies!

His bait is a generic form letter that he has finessed, in hopes it doesn’t sound quite so generic. In his email, he’s decided to make a “reference” to the recipient. Sort of. He’ll start something like this: “You sound like a great girl. Really down to earth. I like that in a girl.” Ok, she’s thinking, this guy could be for real. But, on he continues: “I’m 5’11, 225. I like to go hiking and camping. I enjoy spending time with my family. Blah, blah, blah.”

He makes absolutely no reference to anything specific in the girl’s profile, not even to say she looks nice in her picture (C’mon guys. The least you can do is type one damn sentence that says she looks good!). It is now clear to her that she has read yet another form letter sent to dozens of women.

And as the Clever Mass Mailer waits for his pink, plastic bait to hook the women he so thoughtfully cast it to, the latest recipient reaches for her delete button, thinking, Sorry guy. I go for the live worms.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

First Contact: The Mass Mailer

So you’re ready to send her an email. You’re trying to think of something witty and charming to say that will make you stand out. It isn’t coming to you. That’s ok. Give it time. Whatever you do, don’t become a Mass Mailer.

At this very moment, there are men out there who think they’ve got it all figured out. You can almost see them chillin’ by their computer...feet on the desk, arms behind their head...marveling at their own brilliance. They don’t need to be spending their time worrying about what to say in an email. They have single-handedly invented the latest and greatest fool-proof way to meet hundreds of women in one night (drum roll please)THE FORM LETTER. The Mass Mailer sends this highly generic letter to any woman within cyber reach. And as he revels in his glory, imagining himself the Albert Einstein of online dating, he fails to realize his inbox remains as empty as his bed.

Mass Mailer, you are no genius. We can smell that shit a mile away.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Posting a Picture - Don't Overdo it.

Ok, so you have your nice, dressed up picture posted. Then you put up your I’m-so-athletic picture on the site. Maybe then it’s a here-I-am-with-my-niece-cause-I’m-a-good-guy photo. Stop there. We don’t need to see all of the mountains you’ve ever walked past. We don’t want to see the here-I-am-with-a-hot-chick-cause-I’m-cool picture. And please, please don’t take a picture of yourself in the closet. There are just so many reasons why that is not a good idea.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Posting a Picture - For Mr. I'm too Sexy

No creepy pictures please. I don’t need to see you pulling your shirt up to expose your abs while sitting on a motorcycle. You don’t look hot. You look like you’re trying to recreate what turned you on in Playboy last month. Simply put, we just don’t fall for posed seduction. We’re more apt to think you’re sexy when you’re fixing the garbage disposal.

Posting a Picture - For Baldies

If you're a baldy, and it's ok if you are, don't post just one picture of yourself with a hat on. Women don't mind baldness. I promise. But what we do mind is a man who's not up front. Besides, we won't recognize you once we get to the bar. You don't want us walking in and hoping you're the guy by the dart board when really you're the guy next to the bathrooms.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Posting a Picture - Just Do It

Let’s start at the beginning. The photo. This is your chance to get our attention. Like you, we check out your picture first, and if we like what we see, we’ll read on. And guys, you absolutely must post a picture, cause I tell you what, every advice book out there tells us to stay far away from the men with no picture. I thought it was just because you probably weren’t that attractive. Turns out, it’s more likely that you’re married. All women online are aware of this probability, so the chances of meeting us if you have no picture are slim to none.