Friday, September 29, 2006

When Creating a Profile Name...

Avoid these common pitfalls men I encounter seem to fall into.



And creepiness:


And please, please refrain from comparing yourself to 50 Cent's penis, something


was unable to do.

Bitter Bob

Bitter Bob. What a pain in the ass he is! And, he's easy to spot. He says things like...

'All the women I've met lately are in to playing games.'


'Why do women say they like sports when they really don't?'

Or, my favorite,

'You won't give me your number? How are you supposed to meet anyone if you won't give them your number?'

After months without contact, the Bitter Bob I refused to give the digits to writes again and says...

"Have you ever met anyone? You've been on here for a long time with that same pic. Get some new ones!"

I almost sent him a link to this blog to show him that I have, indeed, met many's just that most of them have been losers. And that he made the latest post.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

God's Gift

I know my last blog was about Mass Mailers, but I just got this one, and it's too good not to share right away. And, for the sake of this blog, I'm actually contemplating going out with this guy to see how bad it gets.

Here's his exact email:

"It takes a lot to catch my eye; hence I hope you are flattered by my email. Should you feel any initial chemistry too, I look forward to hearing from you soon! Depending on your preference, we can talk and/or meet for dinner/drinks. Let me know what you think!"

I should be flattered? I am truly sorry dear reader, that you don't have the advantage of seeing this man's photo. To help you picture him, I want you to think of a Mr. Potato Head with his features in all the wrong places. That's him!

Guys, I don't care if you're looking like Clive Owen or Steve Buscemi, don't act like you are God's gift to me. He wouldn't send me something I'd want to return.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

They're Baaack!

Remember the Mass Mailer? That little f'er who thinks he can send a hundred women the same 'personal' email and we'll never know it's a fake? Well, some man somewhere must be telling all his buddies about his brilliant idea, because it's spreading like the clap! Here's some of the best ones I've seen lately...

Mr. Maybe-insulting-your-town-will-get-me-in-your-pants Mass Mailer:

You have "a lack of pretense I find compelling (if not downright rare in this area)."

Looks like I'm the only one around here lacking any pretense. Delete.

Mr. I-swear-I'm-not-married-and-looking-for-a-one-night-stand Mass Mailer:

"I'm in from Australia for the next month or so...I'm happy to send a photo should you wish to see one. I have had problems uploading them onto the site, but should be able to send it to a yahoo account or something similar."

Please! Rapping Granny could upload a photo. Delete.

Mr. I'm-too-cool-for-school Mass Mailer:

"From your words alone, it sounds like you're someone who can more than hold your own on any level, conversationally or intellectually, which is actually a bit of a lost art these days."

The only thing that's lost around here is this email. Delete.

Mr. You're-definitely-the-0ne Mass Mailer:

"Hi. It is so nice to read a profile by someone that I really believe could be a true match for myself!" And later, " You are exactly why I signed up for this!"

This has to be someone f'ing with me! Delete.

This mass mailing has got to stop. Spread the know people!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006


This next blunder was not the fault of any of the poor guys I've dated whose stories are now on this blog. No, the clueless offender was none other than yours truly. Yep. Shit happens.

Picture this:

"Todd" and I have been emailing clever little emails back and forth. He's very good looking and when he asks me out, I'm really excited. So excited in fact, that I show his profile to my girlfriends so we can talk about how perfect he sounds.

Finally, date night arrives and I begin my first date ritual. The normal routine involves playing with the dog (I feel guilty leaving her for some guy), getting showered and changed, and reading up on my date's profile and emails. This last step is important just in case we're in need of a conversation starter.

Unfortunately, a series of events lead to my rushing this particular night. First, the dog and I get caught up in a conversation with a long-winded neighbor. Then, I get a couple of phone calls while I'm getting ready. Finally, I'm able to dash out of the house looking presentable, but unable to complete my last task, rereading his info.

Miraculously, I arrive at the meeting spot with a couple of minutes to spare, so I mentally go over everything I know about him. Went to New Zealand. Check. Has a sister in Chicago. Check. Mother is a teacher. Check.

Todd shows up looking nice, apologizing for being so dressed up. Apparently he went right from work to see his friend's newborn baby in the hospital. Awww.

We get right to talking and things are going well. After the waitress takes our second drink order, it's time for a new conversation.

Me: So, your mom's a teacher, right?
Todd: Uh, no.
Me: (making it worse) Really? I could have sworn you said she was a teacher.
Todd: Nope. She and my dad own a clothing store. She taught for a couple of years before I was born though.
Me: (really making it worse) Oh. Maybe that's what I remember.
Todd: I don't think so. I don't think I've mentioned that in our conversations.
Me: Oh. Sorry.

Yeah. It's really bad when you skip the rereading. Obviously my good-looking date realized I had mixed him up with one of my other internet boyfriends. And, I was so flustered, I actually tried to convince him his mother was a teacher!

Todd was nice enough to walk me to my car that night, but he made no promises to call or email me. And he kept to his word.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Penpals are Cool...

In third grade! Come on guys. We're not online dating so that we can make out with a keyboard! If you're interested, you need to be asking us out after 2-4 emails. That's it.

Here are some examples of guys who truly need to be reading this blog.

Guy #1:

He winks.

I wink back.

He emails a paragraph with a couple of questions.

I email back with answers and some questions.

He emails three paragraphs.

I email back one.

He writes a NINE paragraph email telling the story of a prank he and his friend played on a couple of girls when they were IN THE EIGHTH GRADE. Look, chances are, we wouldn't be interested in that story if you were Brad Pitt and you left Angelina for us.

I don't write back.

Guy #2: (this guy is everywhere out there)

He emails a quick hello.

I email back a response.

He asks a couple of questions.

I respond with a couple of my own.

He asks a couple of questions.

I respond with a couple of my own.

He (yawn) asks a couple of questions, and ends his email by inviting me to (get this) EMAIL HIM AT HIS PERSONAL ACCOUNT! What?? Dude, are you that afraid to ask a woman out or are you trying to con me into emailing from my home account so you can get my last name? Either way, EEWWW!

I don't write back.