Profilese

I've never considered myself much of a linguist. Four years of high school Spanish left me with the ability to ask for a beer (Thank God). However, I have recently become fluent in the newest of languages, Profilese.

Profilese: I like a girl who is not afraid to be treated well.
Translation: I will smother you.

Profilese: I'm very focused on my career.
Translation: I'm rich.

Profilese: I'm looking for a partner in crime.
Translation: I use cliches on a regular basis.

Profilese: I'm young at heart.

Unfortunately, this statement does not translate literally. Possibilities differ depending on context.

Possible Translations:
I'm old.
I'm immature
I'm the same guy who used the other cliche.

Oops. I Did it Again.

Sometimes I think I'm better off reading dating advice than writing it.

My latest discovery: Know your audience.

I met "Ben" out for drinks at a local bar. Kind of a straight-laced guy. Put together, High-tech, successful. You name it. We had a fairly good time. Good enough for me to agree to give him my number...

"So, I had a good time. Think you'd like to go out again?" Ben asked.

"Sure. That sounds good." I said.

"Ok. Let me get your number." he said.

"Ok."

At this point, Ben took out his blackberry and proceeded to fumble around with the teeny tiny pointer and the teeny tiny buttons.

"Oh Shoot. Damn! This thing...." he remarked.

At which point I chimed in (think flirtatious smartass), "You know, if that was a pencil and paper, you would have had my number by now."

"Yeah. So what is it?"

I gave Ben my number, but he never used it. I guess he was thinking bitchy snob instead of flirtatious smartass.

So, in order to prevent your joke from bombing like an IED, know your audience.

Holy Sh*t!

Sincerity is rare to be able to pinpoint online, but "Matt" seemed to have it.

We agreed to meet for a drink at a local coffee shop. Following my own advice, I reread his profile before going out and noticed that he was in graduate school, but didn't list what he was studying. Perfect. I had a go-to conversation starter.

In person, Matt's sincerity and kindness were the first things I noticed. So far, so good.

Then came a lull in the conversation.

"So I saw you were in grad school?"

"Yes. And you're a teacher, right? How's that?"

Oh no you d'iint just avoid my question.

"Oh, it's good. You know. Rewarding, but sometimes a pain in the ass. So what are you studying?"

"I'm getting my Master's in Divinity."

Huh?

"Oh? And what do you do with a Master's in Divinity?"

"You become a priest."

WHAT THE???

"Ahhh. Hmmmm." Think. think. "Wow." Think damn it! "That's certainly interesting!"

"Yeah. I'm going to become an Episcopalian priest though. That's why I can be out on a date."

Hey man, a priest is a priest.

The date proceeded with my learning more about God than about Matt.

As I left the date in a giggling state of shock, a thought suddenly occured to me, Shit! If he ends up calling me and I have to turn down a priest, exactly how many Hail Mary's do I need to say for that?

Sincerity and kindness are great traits, but so is being upfront and honest.

Premature E-clickulation

GASP! Uh oh. Oh no. What did I do? This is so weird. What do I say? Should I apologize? Do I act like there's nothing wrong? Ahhh!

I had the above conversation with myself while shopping for a boyfriend just a few minutes ago.

I was checking out this guy's profile and started clicking on his pictures. He looked alright, so I started reading his write up. Engaged in the reading, I tried to scroll down, but had no luck.

Scroll the f' down you mf'er!

I was not in the best of moods.

Oh, you have to click back on the profile to read it, you dumbass.

As my multi-tasking female brain began to find where I left off in the reading, I clicked on the profile. Then it disappeared.

What the?

And this appeared:

IT'S OFFICIAL! YOU HAVE WINKED AND HE KNOWS YOU'RE INTERESTED!

Premature e-clickulation. It's never comfortable and it's always a problem.