Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Tivo Trouble

You invited her over to watch a movie. She has graciously accepted. In preparation, you've cleaned the house, chilled the wine, and popped the popcorn.

She arrives, comments on your nice apartment, and shakes off the cold as she settles next to you on the nice warm couch.

As you snuggle in with a glass of red wine and the bag of popcorn, you hit your Tivo button to retrieve the movie you recorded with her in mind. As you flip through the selections, carrying on about the accolades the movie received, she watches the television. Unexpectedly, she raises her eyebrows. You tear your gaze away from her long enough to see what caused the reaction.

And there it is. Highlighted in all it's glory.

"Hotel Erotica"

Awww, shit.

So gentlemen (and ladies), while you're scrubbing and dusting, preparing for her arrival, please remember that your best friend Tivo also needs a spit shine every now and again.

Note: I will neither confirm nor deny being the offender in this scenario.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

The Crazy Quoter

If you were a fly on the wall listening to a conversation between Crazy Quoter and myself, you would have heard me say, "Huh?" at least once every five minutes.

That's because CQ would recite some obscure quote about that often. He was doing more explaining what he was talking about than actually forming original thoughts!

Here's what a night with Crazy Quoter was like...

As he left for the bathroom...
"If I'm not back in 5 minutes, wait longer." (Ace Ventura)

What the hell is this guy talking about?

When he went up to get a beer...
"I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse." (The Godfather)

Are you kidding me?

As I went to the bathroom...
"Leave the gun. Take the cannoli." (Godfather again)

Am I on a date or am I watching some Twilight Zone episode?

After someone at another table dropped a beer bottle...
"Don't worry. The pledges will clean it up." (Old School)

(Looking around) Is anyone else witnessing this??

At the end of the night, I got into it...and I'll admit, it was kind of fun.

Instead of using my go-to "I had a nice time, but I don't think we have a lot in common," I went with, "Hasta la vista baby."

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Things that Cling

Static clings to clothes,
Boogers cling to the end of your nose.

Pollution clings to create smog,
Fleas cling to the side of my dog.

Dirt clings in the form of mud,
Leeches cling to suck your blood.

Things that cling sure do blow
Especially when that thing's Joe Schmo.

So don't you ask me to spend,
Three dates with you in one weekend.

I ain't your girl, your mom, your shrink.
I've only known you for a drink!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Beware the Over-Analyzer

I am certainly an over-analyzer. Need proof? Read my last post.

Most women do analyze. A lot. So guys, you really should be thinking about what you're writing.

But ladies, apparently we aren't the only ones who analyze. God love me, I've been typing away, click, clack, click, clack, not thinking any of these guys are doing too much reading between the lines. Apparently I was wrong.

Here's what went down.

'Jon': Would you like to meet for happy hour one night?

Me: That sounds good. Where would you like to go?

Jon: How about Zula?

My Train of Thought: Ok. Let's see. Zula's in DC. Monday and Tuesday are too soon. I'm busy on Wednesday, and have a late afternoon meeting on Thursday. I can't get there by happy hour, but maybe by 8:00.

Me: How about we meet there at 8:00 on Thursday?

What Jon read: Oh no you're not just taking me out for happy hour! At 8:00, I want dinner. Then I'll take one carat, two kids, and a three car garage.

Surprisingly, I haven't heard from Jon about that drink.