Don't Kick Her When She's Down (or ever really)

August has not been good to me.

This month I have been stood up, unceremoniously dumped, and learned that my ex is engaged. Ouch.

Then, this morning, after only eleven hours to process my ex's happily ever after, I received yet another email from the Bitter Bob who gave me attitude when I wouldn't give him my number.

Subject: Oh jeez!

Message: Your back on match...didn't you learn your lesson the first time that emailing and not meeting makes match worthless?

I have too much class (fear for my personal safety) to retaliate and explain to him that I tend to avoid meeting bitter, whiny assholes who don't know the difference between 'your' and 'you're'. So I thought I'd do so here.

No, you won't know when the girl you are trying to contact is feeling down, but that's ok. Just don't be a dick. Ever.

Phallic Phascination

Yeah, yeah, I know it's funny to see things that remind you of your penis. And yes, it's funny to take a picture of yourself with these phallic reminders. But, it's just plain creepy when you post these pictures with your profile.

In the past week, I have seen three different men who have made this deal-breaking mistake.

Mr. Posing with a Nude Man - Nude statue. Hands on hips, goods swaying in the wind. Next to him, the man who wants to find a date, standing in the same pose, thankfully fully clothed.

Mr. Cactus Penis - This man found a phallic looking cactus, stood over it, and smiled as he longingly gazed at the gigantic penis extending from his legs. Yuck and ouch.

Mr. Bull Balls - Picture this: Huge sculpture of a bull, complete with melon-sized testicles. The man who is attempting to woo women is laying beneath the bull so that it's balls are resting on his head. It's balls are resting on his head! What. the. fuck.

Note to Self

You were falling for her and she ripped the rug right out from underneath you. She talked a big game. You had a good feeling about her. Then she stood you up. She didn't call. Didn't text. Didn't email.

She's a bitch.

Do not blame yourself, even if there were a couple of things you would have done differently, they certainly weren't deal breakers.

You do not have my permission to waste another minute thinking about her. You get your single ass back out there and find the right one.

Wardrobe Malfunctions

Home improvement stores are the best places to meet strapping young men who are good with their hands. Ehhem. Urban legend or not, this belief lives on in the hearts of single women everywhere.

I happily hummed to myself as I strolled the aisles at Lowes, feeling giddy about some of those strapping prospects I spotted. Taking my time, I carefully selected my merchandise (stalked a particularly steamy customer), and headed for the check out. I was helped by a super friendly clerk who gave me a wide smile each time she made eye contact with me. Maybe, I supposed, she knew the real reason I was shopping at this fine establishment. I had a fleeting thought that I could really use a second job.

As I exited the store and pushed my shopping cart across the parking lot, I glanced down to make sure my potting soil was secure under the cart. That's when I noticed something was wrong. My potting soil was fine, but I was looking straight down at my ass! In all my strolling, my skirt had shifted more than 90 degrees around my waist. I twisted and pulled while trying to hold on to my cart with one hand, avoid being hit by a car, and stifle my nervous laughter.

Damn. it.

Man, woman, young, old, member of the Jackson family, or not, wardrobe malfunctions will get you. So guys, don't judge us too harshly and we'll return the favor.