If you're not constantly looking, you're not doing it right

I've heard this advice often, and I must say I follow it regularly. I look for unexpected opportunities everywhere.

One such opportunity arose for me as I sat completing paperwork at my dining room table.

"To the left, to the left, everything you own in a box to the left!" I belted out to new favorite song on my V-Day cd.

Shift Shift. I barely heard the dishes in the sink settling as I continued my duet with Beyonce.

Rustle Rustle Shift.

Hmm. That's weird. Dishes don't sound like that.

Rustle Rustle Shift CRASH. I got up to investigate what in the world was going on in the kitchen. The walls were thin and the neighbors were probably cooking in their own kitchen.

Rustle Rustle.

Sounds like it's under the sink. In the cabinet.

Cluelessly, I opened the cabinet door and immediately spotted a fluffy brown tail jumping around my bottle of Windex.

"AHHH!" I slammed the cabinet shut with a bang and ran back out to the living room just as my hunting dog came to investigate why I was making such a fuss.

I quickly grabbed her leash and my phone and ran outside. A killer squirrel was under my kitchen sink. I was not going to hang around and wait for it to push open a heavy wooden door to attack me!

As I called my father from the front yard, he assured me the squirrel was trapped and told me to go back in.

"Back in? Are you crazy?"

"It can't get you. Just go back in. You need to get the number for animal control. They'll send somebody out to trap it."

"Really?"

"Yes. Now go get the phone book. Call the non-emergency police number."

"Why the police?"

"Because they'll send an animal control officer out."

"You mean the animal control officer is a real police officer?"

"Yes. Now go back in."

"Alright. Thanks dad. I'll call you later."

Hmm. A real police officer? As in uniform, buzz cut, and gun? Sweet.

All cowardice forgotten at the prospect of having a hottie in my house, I bolted upstairs to my place and barged in. Dad was right. The squirrel was not getting out. I called animal control and was told someone would be over within the hour.

The next 30 minutes were a frenzy of clothes flying, brushes brushing, and makeup doing its thing. Next was the house. I couldn't let a police officer show up with the house a mess! Brooms, sponges, Swiffers. Soon both the house and myself were presentable.

In all of my frantic preparation, It took me a while to realize that I hadn't heard anything from under the kitchen sink in 20 minutes. Uh oh. I hope he doesn't show up and charge me with filing a false police report instead of asking me on a date!

BZZZZ.

He's here. Oh my God!

I buzzed the animal control officer up to my place, heart pumping at the prospect...

Ten minutes later I had good news for you and good news for me.

The good news for me was that my squirrel had gone back out the hole he came in. And I was able to patch it up.

The good news for you? While the animal control officer wasn't really my type, she was cute.

I figure some guy in the general area could benefit from that information. Now all you have to do is catch my squirrel.

And for those of you who don't live near me, I can only offer this advice: be looking. Always be looking. Even if it means you make an ass of yourself. No one will know but the readers of your blog.

Top Ten Reasons to Love Valentine's Day Even if You're Single

10. Your dog is so damn happy to see you, she does her five foot vertical leap. And, she's got a good two inches on the last guy who emailed you.

9. Your mom felt so sorry for you, she sent you a card and a 20 spot.

8. One of your students wrote you a poem,
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
If teachers were irons,
I'd buy you.

7. You're not so bitter that you can't make a great V-Day cd with love songs on it (as long as the second half of the cd is break up songs).

6. You get the night off from the gym because you don't want anyone there thinking you're not on some mid-week getaway.

5. Celeste makes the best pizzas for one.

4. You can read the Time article about the fact that single people are actually happier than those who are married (At least I think that's what he was trying to say. There were a lot of statistics).

3. Ladies: You've got your period and it's not interfering with a damn thing.
Gentlemen: The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue will be here any day now.

2. Since only those in serious relationships are out tonight, you get a night off from bad dates!

And the number one reason to love Valentine's Day if you're single...

1. The Mother F'ing day is almost over.

It probably won't work out if...

She asks about your dog and you tell her about your ex-wife.

During the course of your first date you mention hunting someone down and killing them.

She tells her mother your name is Carl, but it's really Carlos.

You separated from your wife a month prior to your first date.

During the initial courting, you bring up the topic of nicknames for a cat's penis.

And,

It probably won't work out if when she tells you she's going to bed, the following conversation ensues:

"Lucky," you tell her.

"Yeah. I'm pretty tired." she replies.

To which you add, "No, I mean you're lucky because you get to go to bed with you."

Instead of getting a second date, you'll probably just make her stomach lurch.

Beware the Overly Confident Syndrome

Confidence is a good thing. Those who possess it are usually quite successful (i.e. Hillary Clinton, Peyton Manning, Meryl Streep).

However, being overly confident can lead to making assumptions that you're above the fray, ultimately leading to your downfall (i.e. Donald Rumsfeld, Tony Romo, Tom Cruise).

Daters sometimes become overly confident, especially online daters. And it's easy to do.

Every day, there's your inbox, overflowing with girls. Short girls, tall girls, thin girls, wide girls, blond girls, redheaded girls, exotic girls, girls-next-door girls. And they all have one thing in common. They're interested in you. You begin to feel unstoppable. You remember gaping wide-eyed at the television as a kid, wishing you could grow up to be Superman. And you have. But lucky you, Lois Lane has multiplied by 100.

I went out with a man who was feeling a bit like Superman. However, he hid it well on the date and we had a nice evening.

After the date, Superman emailed me to tell me that he had a nice time. That's when he made the mistake of believing his own hype...

"I must apologize for my manners in not walking you home. I don't know what the heck I was thinking! Anyway, I didn't want to end the evening with any decisions that would have dampened our spirits."

What? Did he really assume I'd sleep with him just for walking me home?

It's ok to be confident. Hell, it's ok to be overly confident and think you can bed every woman who crosses your path. However, you must hide the overly confident thoughts. Truth is, in the dating game, you are not above the fray. Every one of your Lois Lanes has at least 200 Supermen in her inbox.

Whatthefuckdidhejustsay?

"I broke it off with her a month before the wedding."

Eyebrows raised I replied, "Really?"

"Yeah. It was an awful thing to do. I should have broken it off earlier, but it's better than if we had gotten married and then realized it was a mistake."

"Huh. So how did you finally decide to break it off?" (Hey, he went there. I was just following.)

"Well, I knew for a while that it wasn't going well. She was an anxious girl, not really my type. But, I had met her when I first moved here and we just kind of fell into a pattern. Anyway, it was actually her mom who nudged me into finally ending it."

"Really? That's weird. How did that happen?"

"Well, a few months earlier, I had become really close to her mom. See, her mom had been in a really horrible accident and was in the hospital for a month. I would visit her and help take care of her." Awww!

He continued, "We'd talk a lot while I was brushing her hair, clipping her nails, and bathing her..." Whatthefuckdidhejustsay?

I tried to listen to the rest of his story, but the vision of my hot date sponging off a middle-aged woman - whose daughter he saw naked on a regular basis - was so overwhelming, it effected my hearing ability. And although I missed the end of his tale, I assume it went something like this "Turns out, her mom was the one who was into me!"

Hey guys, don't bring up the time you sponge-bathed your girlfriend's mom. Duh.

New Year, Old Lines

If your pick up lines are anything like the ones I heard on New Years, getting new game should be your number one resolution...

Fat Bastard: "Hey baby. I can tell you're an older woman. That's hot. What are you, 36?" 29 you fat bastard.

Ample Alcohol, Limited English: "I'm rich. I'm very very rich. You can have whatever you want. This bartender loves me." Ample Alcohol, Limited English was physically thrown out of the bar about 10 minutes later.

Drunk Girl: "Scores is much better than that other place. The women are totally hotter. Hey, I know! Let's go to a strip club!" I may have had a rough year with men honey, but I ain't going down that road.

She Didn't Lose her Phone

I'm a stable girl. Really, I am. I don't mope and whine about men and my lack thereof. I don't panic at the thought of going to a wedding without a date. And you'll never hear me shrieking, "Why Me?"

That said, today I had an irrational moment I mistook for a rational one.

About a week ago, I went out on a great date. He was flirting, I was flirting. Before the first date ended, he was asking me out on a second. He called and text messaged after date one. He seemed pretty interested. I, on the other hand, (rational girl that I am) did not get all, "He's the one" and whatnot.

Well, I'm sorry to say, Mr. Great Date stopped calling. Before he even had a chance to become Mr. Great Second Date.

Oh well. These things happen, right? That's what I told myself until a sudden thought occurred to me, I bet he lost his phone!

After about 20 seconds envisioning him calling out my name while searching the rain-soaked sewer for his phone, I realized how irrational I was being.

It's not the easiest thing to wrap your mind around. But guys, if she doesn't call, it ain't cause she done lost her phone!

Tivo Trouble

You invited her over to watch a movie. She has graciously accepted. In preparation, you've cleaned the house, chilled the wine, and popped the popcorn.

She arrives, comments on your nice apartment, and shakes off the cold as she settles next to you on the nice warm couch.

As you snuggle in with a glass of red wine and the bag of popcorn, you hit your Tivo button to retrieve the movie you recorded with her in mind. As you flip through the selections, carrying on about the accolades the movie received, she watches the television. Unexpectedly, she raises her eyebrows. You tear your gaze away from her long enough to see what caused the reaction.

And there it is. Highlighted in all it's glory.

"Hotel Erotica"

Awww, shit.

So gentlemen (and ladies), while you're scrubbing and dusting, preparing for her arrival, please remember that your best friend Tivo also needs a spit shine every now and again.

Note: I will neither confirm nor deny being the offender in this scenario.

The Crazy Quoter

If you were a fly on the wall listening to a conversation between Crazy Quoter and myself, you would have heard me say, "Huh?" at least once every five minutes.

That's because CQ would recite some obscure quote about that often. He was doing more explaining what he was talking about than actually forming original thoughts!

Here's what a night with Crazy Quoter was like...

As he left for the bathroom...
"If I'm not back in 5 minutes, wait longer." (Ace Ventura)

What the hell is this guy talking about?

When he went up to get a beer...
"I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse." (The Godfather)

Are you kidding me?

As I went to the bathroom...
"Leave the gun. Take the cannoli." (Godfather again)

Am I on a date or am I watching some Twilight Zone episode?

After someone at another table dropped a beer bottle...
"Don't worry. The pledges will clean it up." (Old School)

(Looking around) Is anyone else witnessing this??

At the end of the night, I got into it...and I'll admit, it was kind of fun.

Instead of using my go-to "I had a nice time, but I don't think we have a lot in common," I went with, "Hasta la vista baby."

Things that Cling

Static clings to clothes,
Boogers cling to the end of your nose.

Pollution clings to create smog,
Fleas cling to the side of my dog.

Dirt clings in the form of mud,
Leeches cling to suck your blood.

Things that cling sure do blow
Especially when that thing's Joe Schmo.

So don't you ask me to spend,
Three dates with you in one weekend.

I ain't your girl, your mom, your shrink.
I've only known you for a drink!

Beware the Over-Analyzer

I am certainly an over-analyzer. Need proof? Read my last post.

Most women do analyze. A lot. So guys, you really should be thinking about what you're writing.

But ladies, apparently we aren't the only ones who analyze. God love me, I've been typing away, click, clack, click, clack, not thinking any of these guys are doing too much reading between the lines. Apparently I was wrong.

Here's what went down.

'Jon': Would you like to meet for happy hour one night?

Me: That sounds good. Where would you like to go?

Jon: How about Zula?

My Train of Thought: Ok. Let's see. Zula's in DC. Monday and Tuesday are too soon. I'm busy on Wednesday, and have a late afternoon meeting on Thursday. I can't get there by happy hour, but maybe by 8:00.

Me: How about we meet there at 8:00 on Thursday?

What Jon read: Oh no you're not just taking me out for happy hour! At 8:00, I want dinner. Then I'll take one carat, two kids, and a three car garage.

Surprisingly, I haven't heard from Jon about that drink.

Profilese

I've never considered myself much of a linguist. Four years of high school Spanish left me with the ability to ask for a beer (Thank God). However, I have recently become fluent in the newest of languages, Profilese.

Profilese: I like a girl who is not afraid to be treated well.
Translation: I will smother you.

Profilese: I'm very focused on my career.
Translation: I'm rich.

Profilese: I'm looking for a partner in crime.
Translation: I use cliches on a regular basis.

Profilese: I'm young at heart.

Unfortunately, this statement does not translate literally. Possibilities differ depending on context.

Possible Translations:
I'm old.
I'm immature
I'm the same guy who used the other cliche.

Oops. I Did it Again.

Sometimes I think I'm better off reading dating advice than writing it.

My latest discovery: Know your audience.

I met "Ben" out for drinks at a local bar. Kind of a straight-laced guy. Put together, High-tech, successful. You name it. We had a fairly good time. Good enough for me to agree to give him my number...

"So, I had a good time. Think you'd like to go out again?" Ben asked.

"Sure. That sounds good." I said.

"Ok. Let me get your number." he said.

"Ok."

At this point, Ben took out his blackberry and proceeded to fumble around with the teeny tiny pointer and the teeny tiny buttons.

"Oh Shoot. Damn! This thing...." he remarked.

At which point I chimed in (think flirtatious smartass), "You know, if that was a pencil and paper, you would have had my number by now."

"Yeah. So what is it?"

I gave Ben my number, but he never used it. I guess he was thinking bitchy snob instead of flirtatious smartass.

So, in order to prevent your joke from bombing like an IED, know your audience.

Holy Sh*t!

Sincerity is rare to be able to pinpoint online, but "Matt" seemed to have it.

We agreed to meet for a drink at a local coffee shop. Following my own advice, I reread his profile before going out and noticed that he was in graduate school, but didn't list what he was studying. Perfect. I had a go-to conversation starter.

In person, Matt's sincerity and kindness were the first things I noticed. So far, so good.

Then came a lull in the conversation.

"So I saw you were in grad school?"

"Yes. And you're a teacher, right? How's that?"

Oh no you d'iint just avoid my question.

"Oh, it's good. You know. Rewarding, but sometimes a pain in the ass. So what are you studying?"

"I'm getting my Master's in Divinity."

Huh?

"Oh? And what do you do with a Master's in Divinity?"

"You become a priest."

WHAT THE???

"Ahhh. Hmmmm." Think. think. "Wow." Think damn it! "That's certainly interesting!"

"Yeah. I'm going to become an Episcopalian priest though. That's why I can be out on a date."

Hey man, a priest is a priest.

The date proceeded with my learning more about God than about Matt.

As I left the date in a giggling state of shock, a thought suddenly occured to me, Shit! If he ends up calling me and I have to turn down a priest, exactly how many Hail Mary's do I need to say for that?

Sincerity and kindness are great traits, but so is being upfront and honest.

Premature E-clickulation

GASP! Uh oh. Oh no. What did I do? This is so weird. What do I say? Should I apologize? Do I act like there's nothing wrong? Ahhh!

I had the above conversation with myself while shopping for a boyfriend just a few minutes ago.

I was checking out this guy's profile and started clicking on his pictures. He looked alright, so I started reading his write up. Engaged in the reading, I tried to scroll down, but had no luck.

Scroll the f' down you mf'er!

I was not in the best of moods.

Oh, you have to click back on the profile to read it, you dumbass.

As my multi-tasking female brain began to find where I left off in the reading, I clicked on the profile. Then it disappeared.

What the?

And this appeared:

IT'S OFFICIAL! YOU HAVE WINKED AND HE KNOWS YOU'RE INTERESTED!

Premature e-clickulation. It's never comfortable and it's always a problem.

Read Up On...

third grade grammar and spelling. It's never good when your recipient is thinking, How did my little brother get on this site?

Unfortunately, this post was too late for one of my suitors...

"Hello and good after noon to you. I am new at this so I am not sure how to start off about what to say about my self. I am a single white male, 30, non-smoker. I Have no kids but would like to have some oneday when I meet the right person. I do have a phone that I can send you if you like. Just let me know what e-mail you would like me to send it to."

Well, his grammar and spelling might suck, but I could certainly use a Motorolla.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

Yeah, yeah. I know the slogan's taken. But it's not really effective in the military, so I'd like to have it applied to dating situations such as this...

'Tom' and I have emailed a couple of times and he asks me if I'd like to go out.

"Sure. Sounds great. How about we meet up Friday evening?" Note the use of the term 'meet up'.

"Ok. How does Old Town sound?"

"Perfect."

"I know a great Italian restaurant we can go to."

A what? Italian restaurant? Do people really go out to fancy restaurants on their first date?

"Oh. Ok. How does 7:00 sound?"

"Great. See you then."

At this point, I'm still pondering what happened: A restaurant?

Date night

6:50: Shit. I'm gong to be late. I'll just park in this garage. $11! That's bullshit.

6:58: Whew! Made it. I'm glad he suggested meeting on the corner. It's always awkward walking in and looking around for the guy.

7:05: Uh oh. Is this the right corner?

7:10: What the hell? This is definitely the right corner.

7:15: For the love of God! Is my phone working? Maybe I should get out of here.

7:18: "Oh, hey Tom, how are you?" "Oh, no problem!" Lord, this date already sucks.

Tom and I proceed to have a very long and very awkward dinner. Eventually the check arrives.

"Well, that was delicious." Being polite, I begin to reach into my purse. "How much do I owe you?"

"Oh. That's ok. It's on me."

Putting my wallet away, "Well, thank you."

Tom reneging, "Uh, oh, well, if you want to..."

Me, irritated as hell, "No problem."

Now, don't get me wrong. I have no opposition to paying for my own dinner. I am, after all, the one who ate it. However, there are certain situations in which it should be clear who is paying.

Bottom line, don't ask a girl out to a fancy dinner on a first date. But if you must, then don't tell her to pay.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

It's ok if you're from another country,

but if you want to flirt with girls who speak English, please have a working knowledge of the language.

"hello baby, how are you and the out going things in your area?good look catch the eyes and personalty catch the heart and you are blessed with but,flattered dont be.am ______ by name.i think i really adore you and i really want to get to know you,cos i belive we could be of use to each other.i shall be glad if you could send me your email address.am looking forward to hearing from you.my id are..."

Sweet talker that he is, I decided not to write back.

Lyin' Lyle

When I first started dating online, I was told: ‘Be careful. The men on there lie about everything. Their height, their job, their income…’

As you can tell, I certainly don’t think all the men online are perfect, but I haven’t actually run into many liars. Until one busted himself.

About six months ago, I got an email from a guy who sounded on the up and up. But, he didn’t have a photo posted. If you’ve been reading this blog, you know I’m not much for men who don’t post their photos. They can only be described with one word, married. Well, this guy sent me a link to look at some pictures of him. In my book, that still means married, but I looked anyway.

Fast forward to an email I received last week. It’s from a guy who sounds pretty cool, but has no photo. At the end of the email he says, “Anyway, since I literally just signed up and my pictures aren't up yet, you can view them through the link below.”

Hmm. This sounds familiar. Copy. Paste. Enter.

Busted. It’s him alright. Lyin’ Lyle. Lucky for him, I’m not Bitchy Becky so I won’t be posting his link.

When Creating a Profile Name...

Avoid these common pitfalls men I encounter seem to fall into.

Cheesiness:

Fishing4U
Zeeonlynormal1

And creepiness:

Clbnfreak
Teaseroffemales
Thebluepill

And please, please refrain from comparing yourself to 50 Cent's penis, something

Magicstiq

was unable to do.